How to be the friend their mom invites back

The first real sleepover I remember, I ate the last two slices of somebody's birthday cake, used four towels for one shower, and left at noon the next day without saying goodbye to my friend's mom. She invited me back anyway, which tells you exactly who the grown-up was in that house. Every group has one guest who breaks every rule without noticing. She's nice. She's fun. She treats her friend's house like a hotel with a better snack drawer. Don't be her. Or if you already were, like me, you can retire.

The rules

1. Say hello to the parents before you say hello to the Wi-Fi.

Asking for the password isn't a greeting, no matter how warmly you say it. Look up from your phone, say "Hi, thanks for having me," and use whatever name they like to be called. Your friend invited you, but you're the parents' guest. They're the ones buying the groceries.

1. Never show up empty-handed.

A box of store-bought cookies counts. A batch you baked yourself counts double, even if they came out a little flat. Bringing something is the oldest rule there is. It tells the adults you know somebody's doing work so you can have fun.

1. Your parents know where you are, the whole time.

"I'm at her house" can't quietly turn into "I'm at the mall with her cousin and his friends" without anyone at home knowing. If the plan changes, text home before you leave, not after. That keeps you safe. It's also how you get the next yes.

1. Never eat the last of anything.

The last yogurt is never just a yogurt. Somebody in that house has been thinking about it since lunch. "Help yourself" means a fair share, not a clean sweep. When in doubt, ask.

1. Their house rules beat your house rules.

Maybe your family eats whenever and keeps phones at the table. If this family eats at 5:30 sharp, shoes off at the door, phones in the basket, that's the law tonight. Follow it without commentary. Honestly, an hour with the phone somewhere else won't hurt you, and if that sounds hard, this one's for you.

1. Clear your plate, then pick up a dish towel.

When a mom says "Oh, you're fine, sit down," she means it about half the time. Offer once. If she still says no, carry your own dishes to the counter anyway. The guest who helps with cleanup gets talked about at that dinner table for the right reasons.

1. The bathroom should look like you were never in it.

Your hair comes out of the drain. Wipe the toothpaste off the sink. Makeup wipes go in the trash, not in a little pile on the counter like an art installation. Keep your shower to ten minutes. A whole family shares that hot water, and the dad who leaves for work at 6 a.m. would like some of it.

1. Ask what to do with the bed.

Some families want the sheets stripped. Some want them left alone. "Do you want me to strip the bed or leave it?" takes four seconds to say. Fold the couch blanket, put the pillows back, and deal with the popcorn that somehow ended up under the cushions. That popcorn was you. It's always you.

1. Quiet hours are quiet.

Whispering at full volume at 1 a.m. is still a volume. There's a little brother asleep down the hall and somebody has to be up early. Keep it down, even when the story is that good.

1. Be nice to the little sister.

She wants to show you her slime collection, and yes, all eleven jars. Five minutes of being amazed makes you a legend in that house for years. Little kids remember exactly who was kind to them. So do their parents.

1. Ask before you post their house.

Their bedroom, their kitchen, their mom in a bathrobe at breakfast. None of it is yours to share. Some families keep their home private for good reasons, so ask first. And don't post where you are while you're still there.

1. Polite doesn't mean you have to say yes.

If the group lands on a dare you don't like, a movie your parents wouldn't okay, or sneaking out once the adults are asleep, you can say "I'm out" and mean it. A good guest respects the house. She doesn't go along with something wrong just to keep the night smooth. It's easier when you've decided ahead of time, so write down your standards before anyone tests them.

1. If something feels wrong, call home.

No joke on this one. If somebody brings out alcohol or a vape, if an older person makes you uncomfortable, if you're pressured to do anything at all, or if something just feels off and you can't say why, call or text your mom or dad and ask to be picked up. If you can't reach them, tell another trusted adult. You won't be in trouble for leaving. Nobody is owed anything from you, ever, for any reason. Before you go, set up a code phrase with your parent, something like "Did I leave my blue sweatshirt at home?", so you can ask for a ride without explaining yourself in front of everyone.

1. Thank them twice.

Once at the door, to the parents, out loud. Then again with a text or a short note the next day. A next-day thank-you is rare enough that adults will mention it to your parents, which is the best kind of being talked about.

The rule under all of them

Leave it better than you found it. Somebody cooked, cleaned the guest bathroom, washed the sheets and gave up a quiet Saturday so you could have a good time. Act like you noticed. Put others first: the parents, the tired dad, the little sister with the slime. But don't let being a good guest turn you into a pushover. Be easy to have over and impossible to push around. Moms remember both.