The Fifty Best Dad Jokes, Ranked by Groan

The best dad joke I ever heard was delivered at a Thanksgiving table by a man carving a turkey with a knife he'd sharpened that morning. He waited until the room went quiet. He held the knife up. He said, "This bird was a great dancer." Nobody bit. He kept carving. Fourteen seconds later, my sister-in-law said, "Why?" and he said, "Because he had drumsticks," and four adults made a noise like a car door closing.

That's the whole art. The joke is the easy part. The silence before it's the craft.

So here's a scale, built on my own ear at my own table, for the only metric that matters. Not laughs. Groans.

One groan: People actually smile. Slight betrayal of the form. Two groans: A puff of air through the nose. Somebody says "that's decent." Three groans: Real audible groaning. A teenager says "Dad." Four groans: Someone puts down their fork. The word "no" is used as a complete sentence. Five groans: A chair scrapes back. Nobody leaves, but somebody thinks about it.

One groan: the gateway drugs

These are the jokes you use on new people. Coworkers, in-laws you're still auditioning for, a kid's friend who's nervous at your table. They're funny enough that nobody has to fake anything.

• I used to hate facial hair. Then it grew on me.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. Impossible to put down.
• I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
• What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
• Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
• I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.
• My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
• What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
• Why don't skeletons fight each other? No guts.
• I'd tell you a construction joke, but I'm still working on it.

The flamingo one is the strongest opener in the English language. It sounds like a story. People lean in. Then it's over and they've been had.

Two groans: working stock

This is your weekday material. Breakfast, the car, the fifteen minutes between homework and bed. Nobody remembers these individually, which is exactly the point. Volume is a strategy.

• Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
• Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired.
• What's brown and sticky? A stick.
• I'm worried about the calendar. Its days are numbered.
• What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
• Never trust stairs. They're always up to something.
• What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It waved.
• Why do bees have sticky hair? Honeycombs.
• What do you call a dinosaur with a big vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.

"What's brown and sticky" is the one to study. It's a riddle that refuses to be clever, and half the table will guess something else and be genuinely annoyed when the answer is the most boring possible object. Anti-humor. Devastating at a campfire.

Three groans: the fork goes down

Now we're in territory where your children start to suspect you're doing this on purpose. Correct. You are.

• I don't trust trees. They seem shady.
• What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
• Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
• "Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "I don't think they'll fit me."
• I'm reading a book on the history of glue. Can't put it down.
• Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
• What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
• Best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.
• I made a pencil with erasers on both ends. Pointless.
• What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.

The shoes one only works if you deliver it flat, like you misunderstood. No smile. If you grin, you've announced the joke and the groan drops a full point.

Four groans: use sparingly

These cost you something. You spend social capital here, so don't stack two in one meal.

• Why did the math book look sad? Too many problems.
• Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Then it'd be a foot.
• What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
• Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.
• What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner.
• I used to be a banker. I lost interest.
• What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
• How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
• I'm scared of elevators, so I'm taking steps to avoid them.
• What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

Seagulls and bagels is the purest four-groan joke in existence. It makes no sense, the logic collapses if you poke it once, and it will get repeated by your eight-year-old to a checkout clerk within 48 hours.

Five groans: the hall of fame

Deploy at holidays, graduations, and any moment a room needs to stop taking itself seriously.

• Why did the man fall down the well? He couldn't see that well.
• What's the best thing about Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
• Why did the invisible man turn down the job? He couldn't see himself doing it.
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
• Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
• I asked the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."
• What did the buffalo say to his son leaving for college? Bison.
• What do you call a dad who's fallen through the ice? A popsicle.
• Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed.
• "I'm hungry." "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."

The buffalo one is the champion. It's a father saying goodbye to his kid, and it's a pun, and for about half a second before the pun lands, it's almost moving. Best joke in the canon. Fight me at a picnic.

The delivery, which is everything

Commit before you start. The dad joke is a burned boat. The second you sound apologetic, it stops being a bit and starts being a man who told a bad joke. Those are different men.

Pause after the setup. Two full seconds. Count them. The gap is where the groan is manufactured, because everybody in the room gets long enough to see the pun coming and hope they're wrong.

Don't laugh first. You can enjoy it afterward. Laughing at your own setup is like showing your cards before the river. My father-in-law's turkey line worked because he went back to carving.

Let it die. Some will die. Keep eating. The dignity of not explaining a joke is worth more than the joke was.

When to leave it in the holster

A dad joke in the middle of somebody's actual bad day isn't a joke, it's a way of changing the subject away from them. Your fourteen-year-old telling you something hard at the kitchen counter doesn't need the buffalo. She needs you to put your phone face down and say "what happened next."

Also: if a joke needs a target, it's not this kind of joke. The whole genre works because the only person taking the hit is the guy telling it. That's why dad jokes survive and the mean stuff doesn't. You're volunteering to be the least cool person in the room so everybody else can relax.

My kids have started beating me to the punchlines. I'll say "I'm reading a book on anti-gravity" and my son says "impossible to put down, Dad, we know," and everyone laughs, at me, which is the right outcome.

Give it ten years. He'll be standing at a table with a knife and a turkey and a silence he has to fill, and he'll know exactly what to do with it.